I was at a women’s conference recently. These types of events are so good in many ways. Songs of truth. Teaching of truth. But at times as I thought on some lyrics, I wondered. “What about when He doesn’t heal? When He doesn’t get rid of the cancer? When our loved ones die? When we are in pain? When we have deep irreparable loss? What about when what He allows from His hand, doesn’t feel ‘good’? If HIs ‘goodness is running after me,’ why won’t it catch up?  What if we can’t sing, “You’re never gonna let me down” because we feel He has.? 

The topic throughout the conference was on our need-to the best of our capacity-surrender, and bring everything to Him. I wondered, how many of us in this room, haven’t surrendered, fear surrender, because we don’t trust God. We have been disappointed by Him. We had expectations of Him that He did not meet. Maybe we believed He would do, what He could do, but He didn’t. Not for our lack of faith or earnestness in our prayers, even begging at times. How many of us want to surrender, but we don’t trust in HIs care. We know what it can include. I wondered how many of us are in that place. Or we have been, or will be. I thought, someone should talk about that. So I am.

I have been there. Praying for things that I knew were things of HIs Kingdom and will to be done, asking for them to be here on earth. So confident that He was hearing me, because that’s what Scripture says of HIs character. So confident I would soon see things unfold that I knew were in line with what He wanted. I had full expectation I would see the things I prayed for happen. But, I did not.

When that happens, one is inclined to try to figure out why. As time went by, I started to wonder if He really did care about me. He heard, because He is God, I knew that. But I’d started to believe that if He really cared, He’d do what I asked. 

A scripture many of us hold on to, “If God is for me, who can come against me?” But what if—the One you believe is the only hope who can save—doesn’t? If God is not really ‘for me’, then what?… everything and anything, can come against me. I got nothing, if I don’t have Him. 

And that… is despair.

In this place of wondering if God really cared, I continued to get up early and sit (with Jesus). I was out of words. It was mostly tears. A song came to mind. “He’s Always Been Faithful” by Sara Groves. I pulled it up on my phone and played it. 

“Morning by Morning I wake up to find

The power and comfort of God’s hand in mine.

Season by season I watch Him amazed

In awe of the mystery of HIs perfect ways.

All I have need of, HIs hand will provide.

He’s always been faithful to me.

I can’t remember, a single regret

In serving God only, and trusting HIs hand.

I can’t remember a trial or a pain

He did not recycle, to bring me gain.

All I have need of, HIs hand will provide.

He’s always been faithful to me.” 

I could not sing it. I couldn’t mean it. My heart was too tired. My body too tired. My soul too tired.

I know asking is vital to seeing God do HIs will. We know from Scripture that asking God has changed the course of what He was going to do. We have examples cover to cover of the prayers of HIs people moving what God does or doesn’t do. We are commanded to ask for what we need, and want. We are told we have a good Father who wants to give His children good gifts. We are told that the earnest prayers of righteous people has great power. We are told to keep asking, be persistent. That is all true.

But when our expectation of what He will do is not met…

I think of the disciples of Jesus on the road to Emmaus shortly after Jesus’ death.  They said, “We had believed He was the One.” No lack of faith there. Only unmet expectations and subsequent despair.

I think our disappointment is about our expectations. What did we expect Him to do? Why wasn’t it met?

I think we sometimes have a view of God that is not true of Him in reality. Things we think He promised, but He did not. Sometimes maybe we pull a verse out of the whole of scripture and claim it in a way that isn’t true of Him. Yes, we can know things He wills to accomplish. But we don’t know how long it will take. We don’t know how human hearts and sin can grieve and influence His Spirit. Jesus walked away from villages during HIs ministry because they did not have faith. Human will plays a role in my and others’ transformation process. Faith is a work of HIs Spirit in us. But God doesn’t just make us or others trust Him, believe Him, and do what He wants. Also, we live in this world where Satan is the ‘prince’. There is much here that happens, God never wanted to. This is not the Kingdom. 

Sometimes we blame God for things that have happened to us as a result of our own sinful behavior. But how is that His fault, if we didn’t follow the protective commands He gave us? It’s interesting to me how some of us will ask others to pray for us because we are experiencing hard circumstances, or we want a favor from God. But we won’t walk away from the sin in our own life and remove the obstacle in our own relationship with Him. Then blame God for not giving us what we asked for.

We are to pray as Jesus taught us, “Your Kingdom come, Your will be done here on earth as it is in heaven.” 

We get glimpses of HIs Kingdom and power here.  But the Kingdom in fullness will not come here until what was prophesied in Revelation happens in the future. When the New Jerusalem descends, down from heaven and there is a new atmosphere/outer space and new earth. When King Jesus is on His throne, with all His enemies under His feet. After Death and the Grave have been thrown into the lake of fire. 

THAT, my friends, is when death no longer has its sting and the grave has no more victory. But now? we still live in the ‘Shadowlands’. We all will die of something. We are affected every day by the affects of sin in others and sin in ourselves. Jesus’ last words to His disciples were with all that in mind. 

“In this world you will have much trouble.”

I think sometimes we believe God’s top priority is our happy and prosperous life here on earth. This is a lie. 

God’s top priority is showing His true heart and nature. He will cause and allow all sorts of hard things in our lives to refine the crap out of us, for our abundant life here, and our eternal rewards. And ultimately so He is shown through us. He wants others to experience Him through us. I don’t know how intricately involved He is in every hard thing that comes our way. We live here. This is how things are here. We don’t have to judge and evaluate God because of this or that in our lives. But we can know, He sees it all. He feels with us in it all. And He has the power to turn every heartbreak, loss, pain, and tragedy we experience here, for eternal good. If we are IN HIM.

When God didn’t give me what I was asking for, in the waiting, I questioned His care and character. It was based on my not seeing what I had hoped for.

I have a grandson now. (So weird that the word ‘grandma’ applies to me now?!?) He’s about 6 months old. He loves engaging with people. He is not content to just sit by himself. He wants to be with people. See them. There are times, especially if he’s tired or hungry, he can have a meltdown in his car seat. When he’s strapped in. He hates being in there usually. He can’t see anyone. He maybe feels powerless and completely alone. Like no one’s there for him. This happened once while I was driving him, running an errand. He started literally screaming. Like he was in pain, but nothing was pinching him. Like the petrified, lose your breath total aloneness. Oh my heart broke for him. I was 3 feet from him in the front seat driving, but he couldn’t see me. He was screaming so loud, he couldn’t hear me trying to reassure him that I was there. That he wasn’t alone. I totally empathized with what he must have been feeling. I could almost shed tears for him. For him it probably felt like forever. But in just a few minutes I’d get to him and scoop him up. When I did, I wiped the tears that had rolled down his face. And I comforted him. I could feel deeply with him, for him. 

Something hit me when I was driving and he was screaming. Is this how it is with God sometimes? He is right there. He is working. But if I can’t see Him, I can act as if I am alone and uncared for. He is right there and deeply feeling with my pain. But it’s not yet the time to be scooped up and every tear wiped away.

He knew this life would be very hard. But He did not leave us to it by ourselves. 

He said,

“I will be with you and in you.”

“I am the vine, you are the branches. Stay in Me and your life will matter, you will do things that will matter long after you die…

I love you with the same love the Father has for Me, stay in My love…

Separated from Me, you can do nothing…

Do what I’ve told you and you will stay in Me…

Stay in me…

Stay in me…

You are My friends, if you do what I say…

I have told you these things so that you will have My joy, and your joy will be complete…

I chose you and have appointed you, to be like a tree that grows a lot of fruit …(there is a place at my table with your name)

My Spirit will lead you, empower you, and remind you of all the things I’ve said…

“I tell you these things so that in Me you may have peace

In this world you will have much trouble.

But be cheerful

I have conquered over this world.” (John 15-16)

These are the things He has promised. To those who “STAY IN HIM”. THESE are the promises that He will be faithful to. 

His presence. His nearness. His peace. HIs love. HIs joy. 

That at the end of this story, He will conquer all evil. All pain. All sorrow.

Our times of sorrow or doubt are very real. And God feels it with us. But what are we to do, when our expectations of God are not met the way we wanted? When things get harder instead. When losses keep coming like waves. When we can’t see Him working or feel HIs nearness.

Many people in Scripture were offended by God, especially offended by Jesus. Many followers left Him, when He wasn’t what they expected. When He didn’t keep feeding them bread. When He spoke things they didn’t understand. When He went to the cross, instead of going and sitting on the throne of Israel. He asked Peter, “Are you going to leave too?” The Scriptures prophesy that as it gets closer to Jesus’ return, that there will be a “great falling away.” Jesus said there will be much trouble, tribulation. Jesus asks us, “When things get really hard, are you going to leave too?” 

Peter’s answer was this, 

“Where else will I go? 

Only You have the words of life”

Where will we go? 

The things Jesus promised, love, joy, peace, HIs presence…

The things that He will be faithful to, will flow into those who ’STAY’

Bring Him your doubts, your sorrows. But STAY, and be attached, like a branch is to the tree. Like a grape branch is to the vine.

I mentioned earlier the Sara Groves song, that I played but could not sing. I decided to play it every morning when I’d get up early and sit. I’d listen to the words and let them wash over. I knew they were true. But my song and prayer was only my tears. Many mornings after, I continued to choose to play the song, and let it wash over my heart. At some point through the tears, I started to whisper a few words here and there. Morning after morning, gradually more and more words, and then started to put a little more breathe in and sing a few…And in time, the words became my song again, to sing. 

Some time later, I was attending a Sunday morning service at a church that was new to my husband and I. A woman, I’ve known for decades, a spiritual mother of sorts, came up to me during the singing time and just wrapped her arms around me. She whispered in my ear, “I want you to know, you are seen.” She had no idea of my long season of sorrow. And wondering if God really ‘saw’ me. I just let her hold me, and had no answer but my tears. After the singing, another woman I’ve never met, came up to me and handed me a little saying card. She said, “I think I’m supposed to give this to you.” 

It said, 

“Every day God thinks of you,” (Ps. 40:17)

Every hour God watches over you. (Ps.121:5)

Every minute God cares for you. (I Peter 5:7)

Because Every second, He loves you. (Jeremiah 31:3)”

The pastor’s message that day was about being in the place of darkness. When it seems God has left. And we’re waiting. Like the people of Israel waiting for their Messiah. 400 years of silence. He mentioned the promise made in Isaiah, 

“Nevertheless, that time of darkness and despair will not go on forever. The land of Zebulun and Naphtali will be humbled, but there will be a time in the future when (that same land), will be filled with glory and honor. The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who live in a land of deep darkness, on them a light has shone.” This scripture foretelling the coming of Christ. (Isaiah 9:1-2)

The very place of specific darkness, despair, and humbling, (Zebulun and Naphtali in Galilee) was the very place the Redeemer made HIs first ministry appearance. He brought Himself, and subsequently honor to the exact place of dark despair. (See Matthew 4)

I knew God had been speaking to me that day, through His people, through HIs word. One of those rare occasions in my life where I felt someone read my mail so to speak. There was a time given to respond if you sensed God was speaking in a specific way to you. I knew I needed to do something physical to act on God’s initiating to me. I walked to the front and just knelt down. He met me in my response. As the pain from many months just rolled up and out, I just bawled and bawled. It was a combination of being humbled by His love and care, and being sorry that I’d ever doubted it. It was a meeting of HIs touch and my repentance. When I was done, I walked back to my seat and then left, the tiredness of my soul was lifted. 

When I set out to write this, I hadn’t intended to tell my own story of disappointment. perse. I don’t have a quick fix for those seasons when we expected God to do something different than what turned out. I know we have them at times. I know they’re as real as my grandson Ezra’s sense of aloneness in his car seat.

I know that God remains. He stays. He never leaves.

I know He has promised peace, joy, and love, all that we really need,  for those who “STAY IN HIM”.

I know there is nowhere else, and no one else, that has what He does. 

And now…the last verse in the Sara Groves song I referenced…

“This is my anthem, this is my song,

The theme of the stories I’ve heard for so long.

God has been faithful, He will be again

His loving compassion, it knows no end.

All I have need of, HIs hand will provide

He’s always been faithful to me.”

-Shanna